Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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