I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
no more duck duck goose at the bar
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
