meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
