you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
