i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
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