I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
