my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
