my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize