a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
