Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
