in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize