my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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