So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
