Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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