I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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