the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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