i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
