when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
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