Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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