I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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