You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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