At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
