I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
