According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
