I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize