There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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