Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize