would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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