You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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