final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
