just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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