I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
