also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
