am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
