Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
