he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
