I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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