she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize