What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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