I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
