dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
