The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize