my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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