weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
