if i can run in heels then i can drive
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
