wakey wakey hands off snakey
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
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