just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
