He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
