I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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