I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize