Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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