I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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