YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
