Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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