You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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