Can i not drive my cunt home
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Randomize
