Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
