Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
